Mr. Congeniality (lornegreen) wrote in taintedsprings,
Mr. Congeniality

My own advice has and always will be, that the best cure on earth for the mother of all hangovers is to get up and keep drinking until it goes away. At least that's what I tell myself.

Last night was a real doozy. I'd spent the duration of it in a stupor, curled up on the couch nursing my bottle of tequila until I drained it down to the very bitter end.

I found that there wasn't really much else to do around here. I wasn't a slayer or a champion, so there weren't any fighting skills to keep in top form. I didn't have much in the way of booksmarts, so there wasn't much reading to be done either. Infact, when it all boiled down to it, everyone around here had a purpose but me. No one needed a song, no one needed a quip and no one needed any of my award winning charm.


Who the hell was I kidding? Not like I had any of that lying around anymore. So even if anyone wanted to be serenaded or consoled by good ole' Lorney-kins, I had nothing left to give. Period.

And at that thought, I rubbed at my red and tired eyes to realize I was still lying on the couch from last night. Must've passed out. The sun coming in from the window was bright, and I shielded my eyes and sat up. There was no one around as per normal, more than likely out enjoying the fact that they could wander around in broad daylight WITHOUT being a gigantic green eyesore.

I stood up and decided that, before I continued on with my drinking binge, I might have a shower. However, it didn't make me feel much better when I was done, so I dressed and wandered back into the kitchen in search of my liquid cure. I pulled open the fridge and found only a carton of milk and some of Angel's blood. I moved onto the cupboards and found only canned goods and tea. I must have polished off the last bottle last night. I really needed a drink but there was no way I was going to even attempt to leave the house.

Unless of course, our friendly neighbors might have a little something in their cupboards..

I made my way down the hallway of the house, slipping on my shoes at the door and my fedora from the hat rack. I pulled open the door and made my way across the lawn to the house next door, in hopes or hospitable comrades might have something in the form of a tasty beverage. I made my way to the front doorstep and pushed open the door. "Anyone home?" I called out as I kicked off my shoes and made my way inside.

In the living room I found Willow, Xander, and a slayer. "Hey guys," I greeted them as I made my way into their kitchen without skipping a beat. "Got anything to drink around here?"

((Open to whoever!))
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"Just the man I need" I said grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the room. I hated that I had to do this but I had two things to talk to him about and one of them not everyone needed to hear about.

"I have something for you, but also I need to talk to you." I added leading him to the office that Giles set up for me and shut the door. "I hope thats ok."
I almost made it to the cupboards in the kitchen that held the sweet and glorious concoctions which would put me back into that wonderful warm place I like to refer to as 'piss-ass drunk' when Willow grabs me and hauls me into her office.

"You better have liquor for me, woman, or i'll be forced to regale you with Sonny and Cher, and if you knew what was good for you you'll hand it over because there is no way in hell I want to even hit the first note of 'I Got You Babe' without wanting to kill myself," I said, merely all in one breath as she shut the door behind me. The red walls in this room made my eyes burn. I sighed and slumped into a chair.

"What is it?" I asked her, my voice exasperted. "I've got a busy day today. Have a hot date with Miss Vodka-Sour, that is if I can find where the hell she's hiding in your kitchen."
"Ok that is issue number one...Lorne you are spending so much time hiding an drinking...why?" I asked nervous he would hit me or knock me out with a high note. I mean forgive me for caring one iota about him.

"And issue number two, or more so a surprise." I said as I pulled a book out of my desk that I had been hiding from everyone. "Its a spell, I can make you look like everyone else to people who you don't trust, and to me, and everyone else you would look like your old self. Basically its a fancy glamour."

I didn't know if he would go for this, I didn't know if he would let me get anywhere near him, but more than anything I didn't know if he would talk to me about his drinking problem.
"Number one is not an issue," I told her.

"And number two.." I stopped to think about that. "You can do what?!"

The idea was definately intriguing, I had to say. It meant I would be able to leave the house. Finally. I had to get the hell out of this place. It was driving me batty.

"Oh honey," I said with a relieved sigh, "I don't think you know how much I could really use a bit of glamor right now. Have you seen the way I look these days?"

Actually, the glamour was my enthusiasm towards looking good again. To be honest, I didn't care this point. The only thing I cared about was the fact that I would be able to walk my ass down to the liquor store.
"I will do this for you..on one condition." I said softly "One that you will slow down on the drinking. I know it sounds like I'm nagging, but I am truly worried about you. You have stayed in your room and drank yourself into oblivion since you got here..." I looked at him worry plainly flowing through me as I plead with him.

"Also umm...who is Gwen?" I asked. It was still bothering me that she was locked in the basement trying to get free and I had no clue who she was.
"Oh c'mon Willow," I whined, slumping into my chair. "That's dirty pool. A-and I don't have a problem."

I stood up and walked across the room, back facing her, arms folded infront of my chest. There was silence between us for quite some time. I lowered my head and sighed.

"Willow, I have nothing left in this world, you understand that, right?" I asked her, my voice quiet and steady. "The things I've done.. the things I've seen.. I've been stripped down the very core of me. All the layers, they've all been peeled away, and I'm left with... this. There's nothing left of me."

I know that sounded relatively bleak, but it was all I had. I turned to face her, my eyes narrowing. "All you people here have jobs to do, reasons for being here," I said to her. "I have nothing. My presence is merely an affectation for the past, a past that I would rather not remember at this point. Which why I feel the need to drink until I forget everything."

I could feel my voice about to raise an octave or two. "So don't even think about taunting me with some glimmer of hope that my life around here might be the teensiest bit easier by making me able to leave this bloody house," I told her, clearly becoming upset.

I completely ignored the question about Gwen. I didn't care about anything else at this point. More or less I was mad at Willow for dangling the carrot infront of my face.
"I am not taunting you, I am simply asking for you to do one thing for me." I said softly "And you think I have my place? My place includes screwing up today and spending more days in this house because if it, I really don't have a place either." I said firmly.

"Lorne, I want to help, I will do this for you no matter what, but I just don't want you to use it to just keep getting plastered, I care too much to watch that happen...please forgive me for actually caring." I added as I stood up from the desk.

"Its your decision, you want me to or not, that is up to you." I finally add, I was going to give him this, may be the last spell I am allowed to do without being watched or what have you..."And again I you know who Gwen is?"
I sighed. "I don't know much about Gwen," I told her. "I've met her once, maybe twice. She has special talents that involve the manipulation of electricity. That girl's got one hell of a handshake."

I uncrossed my arms and shoved my hands into my pockets. The expression on my face softened. "Listen," I said finally, "I'm sorry for snapping at you. I'm just at my wits end. Stuff just didn't pan out for me the way I wanted it to. I never expected to end up here after everything was said and done. I had a plan for myself and I was going to set it in motion. I guess you could say it fell through my fingers. I don't really feel as though I belong here. Infact, to be honest, I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. After all these years you would have thought that I would have settled, but I just can't."

I lowered my head. "I would really like for you to perform the spell," I told her, "That is, if you want to. I don't know how you could possibly be a screw up, anymore than a washed-up has-been demon who lies around drinking himself stupid every day, but I would be appreciative of your help. Maybe half my problem is that I am sick and tired of not being able to do anything. If I was able to leave the house, I might be able to keep myself occupied."
"Look, I said I would do the spell and I think I haven't messed up? You think I haven't done things I regret...just today I used my powers in front of a restaurant full of people because seeing Gwen made me panic because I thought she was Angelina." I said matter of factly.

I took a deep breath and moved in front of him "If you think thats the worst of what I did, as Gunn, he knows, ask Angel how I almost ended the world after killing people to make them pay for the murder of the love of my life, ask how I allowed vengeance to take me over and direct my movements."

Finally I placed a hand on his cheek understanding flowing through me. "Please, don't resort to drinking, if you need someone to talk to, I am here, I never leave the house, unless I have to, please talk to me ok?"
"We've all done our fair share of things we regret, Willow," I told her. I raised my arm and pointed, shaping my hand like a gun. I closed my left eye as I aimed.

"I've heard you sing," I repeated quietly as I squeezed my hand. I opened my eye and lowered my arm. "Think I wanted to kill someone? Not bloody likely, but as I am told, it was for the greater good. I still can't see why it was me that had to do it, because I'm not the murderer type. Now I have to live out my days with my new title and the inevitability that I am more than likely going to burn in hell for it."

"But, I'm not trying to discount everything you've been through," I went on, feeling her hand on my cheek, "And I'm definately not saying your pain is any less important than anyone else's. We just all have different ways of coping. You do your thing, I do mine."
"Yes I do my thing, and you do yours, I just don't want to lose you because you are doing your thing and one day don't wake up with a hangover." I said as I looked away from him.

"I don't really know what it can do to you, but no matter what you are important to me, or I wouldn't make a such an offer for you..." Finally I look back to him, I know he could feel what I was feeling because it wasn't like I was holding back. "You know I am not lying." I said softly

"And I have an idea...but I don't know if you will go for it."
"I know you're not lying," I conceded, sighing to myself. I ran my fingers through my hair and slumped back into a chair. "There's just a lot of adjustments I am making in my life. A lot of self acceptance. As you can tell, Kitten, I'm not taking it very well."

I leaned back in my chair and looked up at her, an expression of resignation on my face. "What's your idea?" I asked her, finally.
"I understand adjustment, you should have seen how I was right after what I did in Sunnydale, I was a mess." I said softly as I reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I understand I really do."

I then pulled a chair closer to me and in front of him and sat down my eyes locking on his. "My idea is that maybe, after I do this spell on you, you could open a club of sorts in town, stir up some things, and maybe be the one to go to again, heck also be the information getting guy?"
My eyes widened.

Was she for real?

I put up my hands in a gesture of 'slow the fuck down'. "Willow," I said, my voice flat, "Honey. Please. I can barely heave my tuchis out of bed every morning, if I am even lucky enough to make it there without passing out on the couch. I really don't think I am in any position to put on my best dog and pony and run a nightclub again. Not right now. I can barely dress myself in the mornings."

I looked down at myself, noting in distaste at the fact that I dared to wear this Italian silk suit with a polyester blend shirt. What was I thinking? Normally, I would be beside myself at such an atrocity, but these days I wouldn't even care if I wandered around wearing bluejeans. At this point, that wasn't too far from becoming a reality.
"Ok so not right now, you can't just get up and go right now, you need a hair cut and maybe a shave and to step away from the alcohol and I don't know see some sunlight..I am willing to help you, please." I said an excited look on my face now.

"please please, Lorne, come on you know you want to." I said as if I were a kid again. I couldn't help it, I was excited about this idea. "You would have a place in this town...come on you know you wanna."


12 years ago


12 years ago


12 years ago


12 years ago


12 years ago