fatalblue (fatalblue) wrote in taintedsprings,

I barely noticed anything, except the precipitation from my eyes that rolled down my face as I made my way back to my domicile. There were no utterances or any form of speaking to anyone as I walked past them towards my personal living quarters.

I even ignored Wesley as I passed him by, shutting the door behind me as I strode into the room designated for me when we relocated to this living arrangement. It was the only man made abode that I really could call my own. I stood there, fists clenched, wanting to rip everything apart and destroy it, for what is this place anyway? Like a four walled cement cage! I am godking! I deserve a palace and shrines!

I stared at myself in the mirror. I was only fooling myself. "Look at you, vile, putrid, waste of humanity! Letting these emotions drive your every action and need! You are a godking!" I screamed, my shell melting away and revealing my true form.

"It is of no consequence that your power is diminished. Your existence is still that of a godking!"

Even as I spoke those words, something deep inside of me doubted them. I cursed myself for having such conflicts. Once again, human emotion won over and before I could stop myself I had smashed the mirror, unable to continue to look at myself.

"I am a godking." I said outloud, trying desperately to believe in myself and failing miserably. Blood flowed out of my hand as I looked at it. "Weak, pathetic human, that is what I am."

[Open to Wesley, who surely heard this ruckus]
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Puttering around and about the building, our new home I guess, seemed to be the only thing I was doing lately. I was restless, lost my place if you will. There was Illyria to consider of course, though I didn’t really know what to do with her. She reminded me to much of Fred, which was self explanatory. I guess even she understood that, not that a former goddess to any notice to that. Ruler of several pan dimension and those over it, all the rubbish. Those days were over. Just as my days with Fred were over.

I didn’t see much of the others, had no idea what they were doing. Almost reminded me of Wolfram and Hart when we worked there. None really knew what the other was doing, which in the end was nearly our downfall. If it wasn’t already. Gunn was…doing whatever Gunn was doing these days. I avoided him as much as I could, I didn’t really know how to react to him. I still resented him for his role in Fred’s death, and I doubt I could really ever forgive him. Just as Angel could probably never really forgive me for… Alright, different matter.

Sighing, I stood in front of the house as Illyria raced passed me. She seemed enraged. Again. I’m starting to wonder if that was the only emotion - heaven forbid me using such words in relation to her, she’d have my head on a platter - she was capable off. The door slammed, another door slammed and another sigh left me. And where was everyone else? No idea, and it wasn’t as though they were comfortable around Illyria. As if I was. Nevertheless….

Shaking my head, I shrugged and walked back into the house. My, my, sounds a though someone is trying to redecorate her room. It’s room? Christ, let’s not get into that. “Illyria?” I knocked on the door. Politeness, silly human trade, no doubt. “What happened?” This time.
I heard Wesley's voice and suddenly feelings of loneliness and regret flowed through me. I felt humiliated that he did indeed hear the crashing of my knuckles into the polished metal reflection that was no more.

I couldn't form words at first. My thoughts were nonsensical. Then I spoke, knowing that I had to answer him. Humans don't like a question met with silence.

"I am emotional. I am a pathetic emotional human. Why do I exist in this place? My shell elicits nothing but pain and anger from everyone who sees it. I don't understand why I continue to exist here."

I paused for a moment, blood still running down my hand and dripping to the floor. "A-and I have lacerations on my hand that are bleeding profusely."
The was no answer when I knocked on the door, it was then that I realized she probably had no idea about human politeness, or was possibly even wondering who was knocking on the door why. I didn’t care much about barging in, but it was engrained as much as I realized she may take offence as God King of the whatever if I were to do so. Still, I needed to know what was going on. So pushing all contradictions in terms aside, I opened the door and stepped in.

My eyes flicked to her face first, relieved to see her Illyria face. I don’t think I could bare it if she wore Fred’s face, no matter the necessity. Then they trailed to her hand and I sighed at the sight of blood, drizzling out of cuts. It wasn’t hard to figure out what she’d hit. Her own reflection? Why? It wasn’t until she spike that I realized why. She was disgusted with herself. I could understand that, albeit for different reasons.

Pulling my handkerchief out of my pocket I moved toward her, faltering when I heard her stammer. Good lord, she’s really changing. I couldn’t help but wonder if those emotions were Fred’s influence. “They’re only shallow cuts,” I muttered, taking her hand in mine and wiping the blood away. I peered at it intently, making sure they were nothing but shallow cuts. “May I ask what brought on this outburst?” I prodded carefully, focusing on her hand so she could gather herself.
I swallowed, regaining my posture, pushing these emotions of sadness and loneliness down my throat so I could answer Wesley's question.

The problem is that my throat had trouble forming the syllables to words that would answer his question. And his warm, handkerchiefed hand, wrapped around my lacerated knuckles brought about emotions that also made this more difficult.

"I am losing control of my human emotions." I started. "I became angry at the Xander creature and punched him. He kept berating me about my appearance...my shell...Fred."

I felt pain in my stomach when the name slipped past my lips. "I am wondering about my existence here, if it is necessary. I am not a godking anymore. I serve no purpose anymore."

My eyes closed, tears emerging that I couldn't hold back. The precipitation was maddening. "Why do you even bother to care when my shell causes you so much pain?" I asked him. Maybe he just felt a pity for me, that I could believe.

It as surprising really to watch her like this. I was used to the commanding tone, the holier then thou attitude, the sneering, the looking down at people. She was the godking, the ruler of several dimension and those over it, her name alone had struck fear into those who heard it. But now she was nothing, just another entity among many. Yes, she was more powerful them most, but at the same time she was more vulnerable. A rare oddity, a contradiction in terms.

As I took care of her hand, and I really should disinfect that not having any idea where it’s been, I let her gather her thoughts. She seemed to need that, as though she was grasping around for words that held no meaning to her. Perhaps they didn’t, perhaps she never had use for words before. Not like she does now. When she finally did speak, I blinked at her and bit down on a grin.

Well, I did remember Xander from Sunnydale. I realize the boy has changed, as I have, but still… I couldn’t help but feel amused. I’d had, more then once, felt the urge to strike him as well. Of course, that was no excuse for her to hit him…. Why had she really done it anyway?

“You hit Xander,” I said, not a question, but a confirmation. I nodded at her nod and sighed. I wanted to ask why she’d *really* done so, but she wasn’t done yet. Of course she wasn’t, she’s never done. I closed my eyes and put my hands in my pocket, walking over to the window. It was a nice day outside. Funny how these things seem to go right past me at present.

“Because I made you a promise,” I whispered to her question. “I don’t take those lightly.” Turning around, I looked at her with a frown. “Why do you think you serve no purpose here? Because you no longer have an army to rule? Dimensions to conquer? Followers to oppress? There is more to life these days, Illyria. You still have a purpose, you just have to open your eyes and see it. Wanting to see it.”
Anger boiled inside of me. I resumed the appearance of my shell. "Is this what I am supposed to see? Or do I remain hidden in the shadows to not be the cause of anyone's pain? What else can I possibly accomplish here when I cannot go out in the light of day without this appearance!"

I could see the pain flash in his eyes, and the shell washed away, my bluish exterior returning. "I used to rule armies, humans used to shudder at my appearance, and now, I'm nothing. I just hide in shadows with rats and roaches, they're my kingdom now."

I laughed, a strange sound, not the laughter of a conquering king, but that of ensuing madness. I seated myself on the soft mattress that I hardly use. "I do not...I am lost...to myself...there is uncertainty, and loneliness and despair. I do not like these feelings, I wish them to abate, to vanish, yet I cannot control them anymore..."

More words would not make their way out of me, stopped by the wall of emotion quickly rising within in. I struggled to keep in the damning precipitation that threatened to break free.
There is just no pleasing her is there? That had obviously not been the reply she had wanted. To be honest, I was getting tired of her. She no longer was the godking of anything and it was about bloody time she faced that. Not just whine about it, but really face it. All she keeps on doing is point out the past and how much better it was and how she’s so much lower now. It’s getting annoying.

Sighing, I rubbed a hand over my face and glanced at her. She’d assumed Fred’s looks again and I flinched. That sharp stab of hot pain flared through me at the sight and I nearly yelled at her to stop it. There was no need for her to resume Fred’s form now. I already had difficulty when she had to do it if there was no other choice, but at least I understood.

“Then I suggest you go out and find yourself,” I muttered, biting down on another sigh. Crossing my arms over my chest, I glared at her and shook my head. “Look, Illyria. You can complain all you want about how things were so much better in your time and how much worse things are now. How we are pathetic creatures and you’re oh so low because now you’ve emotions. Get over it, learn to live with it. It’s not going to change, it’s not going to get better.” So stop complaining.

“They are feelings and emotions, Illyria. They don’t listen to anyone, not even you. They’re not something you can control or command."
The muscles of my face formed a frown as I sat there and listened to Wesley. He said I should find myself. That nothing can control human emotion, not even a godking.

Emotions conflicted within me, between anger and sadness. "Find myself...you mean find my human self, succumb to the emotions and be human."

Human. I am to be human here. I am stuck in this realm just as weak and pathetic as every other human. And now I should become one to deal with human side.

"I do not understand how to deal with these human emotions. I do not understand how to be human." I said softly. There was something else I needed from him.

"Will you...will you help me become human?" I asked, looking up from the bed at him, emotions conflicting again between desire, sadness, and disgust at myself for agreeing to be a lower creature if he would help me.
When looking at her, it wasn’t really hard to tell she was in a body, a-a-a shell she wasn’t used to. She moved haltingly, as though she wasn’t used to the muscles working, as though they weren’t doing what she wanted them to do. Limbs and joints doing the same, not obeying her commands. Much like her emotions, her feelings would never listen to those either. They’d do what they’d want with no interference from yourself.

“You’ll have to learn, Illyria,” I said quietly when she finally seemed to figure it out. It was hard to watch unknown emotions flicker over the face I loved. Made me ache inside and quickly look down. She could figure things out without me having to look at her I suppose. Taking a few deep breaths, worked on calming myself down again.

Until she asked me that.

Help her become human? Help her to understand human emotions?

My head shot up and I looked at her. I was no fool, I was well aware how I behaved when Fred died. Shot a man, killed another. I wasn’t stable, I didn’t have the control I wanted to have on my own emotions. I’d only shut them down and locked them up deep inside. I was supposed to teach her how to deal with emotions? Spike or Angel could do a better job. Tiling my head I blinked at her and regarded her sadly.

We both seemed to be lost.

“Why me?” I asked. “ I am quite probably the last person who should teach you about that.”
I was confused. Who else could possibly help me become human? Surely not the Spike or Angel creatures, they are not human, they are living dead creatures. No one else can bear to look at me or want to share intercourse with me. I can't imagine they would want to help me become human. There was also another human problem that I had with asking someone else.

"You are the only I...what is the human term...trust? Trust." It sounded right. "I know that shell appearance only brings you intense emotional pain...but you share intercourse with me, you have emotions for my well being, you...you don't hate me. No one else here wants anything to do with me."

Human. I couldn't imagine being human. Learning to be human was going to be difficult. I already am on the outside of human emotions and actions. Instead of being a godking, I am a worthless subject that should be thrown into fire, torn limb from limb, sacrificed.

She seemed confused by that. Then again, everything confuses her. The weather, the buildings, the people, the fact that no one will bow before her. She’s no longer ruler of several universes, no one is trembling in fear by the mere mention of her name, it must be quite an adjustment. But why she would ask me, of all people, to become her…teacher, watcher, guide, is beyond me. I really am the last person who should teach her anything.

Her words make me pause though and a flash of pain goes through me when she mentions Fred. Or ‘the shell’ as she keeps insisting on calling her. Trust. Such a loaded word. I trusted Charles and Angel once up on a time. Without question, without hesitation. It got thrown back in my face. Humans cannot be trusted, not even your friends. And especially not your family. Blood or chosen, they are the ones who’ll you let close enough to stab you in the back.

Wait. What?

“Intercou-- what?’ I blink at her and then it dawns on me that isn’t quite what she means. “Let’s not use that particular word around anyone shall we?” I urge her, running a face over my hand. “The others don’t hate you,. Illyria. Some of them didn’t even know F-Fred. They’re just like I am, they don’t know what to do. And some are better at not knowing what to do then others.”
I wondered why intercourse was such a surprising and forbidden word. I knew the connotations of it's meaning, and it's not likely that Wesley would ever want to share physical intercourse with me. I didn't ask about it, though, instead addressing the other ideas he expressed to me.

"And I am to become like them...human, I mean." I said quietly. "I am starting to believe that never returning here would be better than what I am now. Fred shouldn't have passed, I shouldn't exist here. Everyone would be happier."

Happiness. I yearned for happiness when it used to be easy for me to attain. I wasn't sure I would ever find it in this world. I hadn't yet found any satisfaction much less happiness here.

"You may leave if you are needed elsewhere. I need to think about everything. I'm sure you have tasks and other things to accomplish that outweigh my problems."

If I get Illyria a dictionary of human words, would she put it in her mouth like the petri dish? It's an odd thing to think about, but I just couldn't help myself. For such a strong beings, she seemed in need of touch. To feel or taste the experience herself. Either way, I was going to have to teach her that some words were not appropriate. I shudder to think what would've happened had she said this to say...Xander Harris.

"Yes," I replied equally as quiet to her question. She as to become human. No, she already was human by default. Having taken over a human...Fred. She just had to learn how to be a human. Of course then she had to mention Fred again and my eyes closed for a moment. It still hurt; I had to wonder if it would ever stop.

"That may be," I said, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly again. "But the past cannot be changes. We only have the here and now. And you are here and now, despite the fact that no one may be happy about that. There are a lot of disappointments in life, a lot of pain. But it's the joy and the...hope, which makes it all worthwhile. You'll have to learn that." And you should practice what you preach, Pryce.

She seemed in thoughts though. Probably finally coming to the realization that her kingdom, her army, her powers was gone. And she was nothing here but a memory of the woman a lot of people loved. But she could be an ally. She's not the only one having to learn, we all have.

I raised my eyebrows at her last words. Other things? I doubt it; I've not been out much. I've no idea what's out there, or whom or what or why. "I'm sure I don't," I said dryly, moving back to the door. "But if you wish to be alone to think. You only need to say so." Opening the door, I stepped through and turned to look at her. "You'll know where to find me, should you feel the need to talk."